Oh hi. My blog shows I haven’t wrote since last January. And I haven’t given a real update for about eighteen months. That is a long time for someone as long winded as I am. And it has been a long year and half. Where do I start? I lost myself. I had to rebuild. A relationship ended and I didn’t handle that very well. I got very very drunk and woke up with a marriage license laying between my friend and I. I don’t remember that night. But as it was my second marriage and I hate being a failure, we decided to try to build a life together. Doomed you say? I was just rejected from one relationship, felt like my heart was ripped out from my body through the smallest cavity possible and I am entering a marriage. I became a professional drunk. And cried a lot. I look back at the pictures of myself at this time and I am surprised someone didn’t run me over with a truck, because when a dog is rabid you at least put it out of its misery. I however continued on my quest of self destruction. I moved cross country for a marriage that was doomed from the start, moved my child across country and cried a lot. The crying, don’t miss the crying in this story.

In a sequence of events that are jumbled, I came back to Kansas with kid in tow. To heal, to have a break, to get some clarity on the situation. And be able to buy Kleenex because Georgia was out of them. What was supposed to be a break turned into something more. And I am still here. I am now sober again to the relieve of my liver and friends. I also stopped crying. And the marriage that was doomed? Really was doomed. It should have never have happened in the first place. Getting married will never replace the rejection of another. All the hurt, all the confusion had to be cleared away before I could even begin to think about building a life with someone else. And that was not going to happen in a night of drunkenness. Divorce sucks. Divorce for the second time sucks more.

Eighteen months of rebuilding has brought me here. I work less, I am sober and I play with Joshua more. I laugh more. I take pictures more. I pray again and the sting of rejection is a distant memory. I also am engaged to a wonderful man named Lloyd, who deserves and will get a post all of his own. He who supports me, loves me and has watched from afar this transformation and still wants to build a life with me. Life is not perfect yet but getting damn close. I want to once again write about it.

This weekend, I had the horrible experience of being banned from posting to my favorite micro blogging site, Jaiku for two days. While some say this is just a Web 2.0 start up and will float away like many (all) of the rest of them, I beg to differ. I have been on this community for almost two years now and have had shared my life with these people. I have met some in person, who will remain nameless, some who I fell in love with, some who broke my heart, some who have listened to me cry after  my heart was broken. I am in the beginning of collaborating with some on writing adventures, and others have bought me a pro Flickr account in an invition to share more of my art than I have before. This is more than just spewing 140 characters out on a page.

In the past six months I have gone sober again and honestly without the support of my fellow Jaiku’ers I would have failed. Even while they jaiku’d drunk, I knew they supported my decision not to. And I if I said I was having a hard time that night, people I never even suspected would pop up and say “you can do this”. That is more than verbal diarrhea on an internet that already has more than enough noise. That is true support. And if and when it goes away these people will still be in my life only in different ways. But it won’t be the same.

I am writing a post. Please forgive my absence and email your address so I may send you cookies.

I received my N82 from the S60 Ambassador’s program about a week ago. I opened up my box of delight; with really no expectations except for I have always liked the Nokia products I have used.

The first thing I noticed as I opened the back to slip my SIM card in was the slot for the SIM card was really flimsy.  Maybe just because I am a like a klutz, but even after a week of use, I feel like I could break that little piece of silver off far too easily.  Not letting this deter my excitement for the new phone, I quickly dug into the software, installing what I feel is essential to my mobile needs. HandyTaskman for one is a necessity.  Installing software is a breeze, and very efficient.

This phone has been engineered with the media as a main marketing point, so I turned on the radio while uploading music. I have liked the radio function, but it is not a key selling factor to me, because I do not listen to mainstream music. However, once I got my eclectic taste of music on the phone, I plugged in the Nokia headset that was included and set off for a walk.  I hate the Nokia earplugs. They are uncomfortable, cumbersome and that is just putting them on the neck. The quality of the music is great, and the sitting in my ears is horrible. I pulled out my Sennheiser earphones so I could listen in comfort. This made my music consuming much more enjoyable.

My next stop was to take pictures, because this is what I do, photograph things. The camera in this phone rocks my world. The color and clarity are out of this world and considering I am holding this little device in one hand, I have no idea how the manufacture put such a great camera in a little phone. I do not really care. I love it. For a point and shoot camera, this is definitely a consideration. It has even impressed my non techie friends and that is saying a lot.

There is a couple of things I do not care about on this phone and one of them is the stupid gallery button they put in the middle on the right side. If I was left handed, this button wouldn’t bother me, but I am not and it does. If I had a dime for every time I am texting and push this button and then have to exit and go back to my text, I could pay for the phone myself. The button is raised, so I can’t ignore it. I absolutely hate the position of this button. Two, the buttons themselves. They are sharp, small and annoying. Third, the middle scroll button.  Maybe I am tough on things, but I can easily see in the end of my two months of ownership that this button will be taken off. It feels like it is barely glued on with rubber cement. The craftsmanship of this device feels solid till I hit this center button and I am afraid it will come off at any second. So far it has not, but that does not erase the fear that it will.

Overall, I am enjoying the N82 and love the ooohhhh what is that factor among friends and strangers. The call quality can not be beat, the quality of media has reminded me how much I enjoy music, and has great technology to back up the shiny factor.

I am appreciative to the S60 Ambassador program for the loan.

My fear of water wasn’t ever something I was born with. In fact, if my mother could read this, she would kick me in the head and tell me to get over (I may print it off and mail to her). I swam, played in the sprinkler and did all the normal activities of youth. I was so relaxed as a child, and I hope to get back that way again.

My first marriage was not the stuff dreams are built on, and in the end, was really bad. I do not write this to smear him, attack him or blame him. The last year was spent in purgatory of emotions, and disdain of reality. This is going to be a surprise for many people, but I feel confident to speak of it now.  Also? I’m not asking for sympathy, pity or any other emotion that is trite. I left. Now I repair.

The last year of my marriage, when he and I would be in the same house, I slept in the bathtub downstairs, where he never went. The steps were low, and he was 6′5. He banged his head every time and therefore, he never looked down there for me and would think I had left.  I was making my plans to leave, I just needed some time to make it go through.

And here is the ugly part of my story, where my mind takes the dark corner. If you feel you can’t handle it, or it is a trigger for you, don’t continue. Please.

I would stare at the faucet, the facilitator of clean water and think what a lovely job to be created for. The hours are long into the night and I do not sleep well. Then one night I had a very ugly ugly thought. I wondered how much water it would take to drown. I was drowning in debt, insecurity, medical things, depression. Yet, how much water would it take to feel the actual sensation of drowning. The feeling of water coming over my body, my shoulders, knowing the inevitable was impending. What would it feel like? Would it take it all away? Make him go away? I wondered that many nights, and envisioned it so much, I could feel the weight of water on me, even while sitting in an empty tub. I would get up and dress for the work the next day, nobody knowing what I had tried not to think about the previous night.

I do not have this feeling of drowning anymore. Life is good, and getting better.

The fear of letting myself go into a complete abyss of water has not gone away yet. Now that I have talked about it openly, I hope it does.

Happy Birthday Joshman!!!

I saw legs today in a mirror and was amazed at what I saw.

a leg that has walked 100 miles

a leg that has walked away

a leg that came back

a leg that has many scars

a leg that has healed

a leg that has stood through pregnancy, funerals, and hospital stays

a leg that wears skirts more confidently than before

And then I cried when I realized I was looking at my own reflection.

I have always been very honest about my struggles with depression.  After my failed suicide attempt, I learned hiding that was dangerous. Yet I do hold back to a  degree, because I don’t want to sound dramatic, or over exaggerate things. So here is an honest look at the past year.

Last August, I did something that some would consider detrimental. I went off all my medications that managed my anxiety and depression. I had support, and knowledge that if needed, I could always go back on if needed. I wanted though, to try to learn new ways of combating emotions that I normally suppress and ignore.

What a year to try this new life. I moved in with a guy who claimed he loved me, and didn’t. I moved out, took a job that had pursued me for a long while, and then reinjured my back, and had surgery. I took that on with the grace I normally do.

And then one final thing happened this year, one thing I promised myself I won’t talk about on here. Something very painful. Something that sent me to the floor of my bathroom crying for several nights. I am only now able to breathe.

All this to say, it has been a crappy year. Very emotionally draining. Yet I am still standing. I am still breathing. The depression hasn’t won. At one point it felt like it might. I’ve had several anxiety attacks. I could have given in and  went back on a whole psychotropic amount of mind numbing drugs. And if I feel like I need to, I will.

But today, I am breathing.

My friend James (hi there!) has written up a fabulous blog post about sex and what the company he works for is try to do for the cause. The basic concept is this, while we are all connected with social networking and such, how are we using that? To just have simple blurts of my cat is licking his ass again? Great. Can we try deeper please?

Sex is an issue that affects each and every one of us. And I do not believe for one second that talking about sex makes people more prone to “do it”. Education and answers are really the only tools that separates us from the animals.

Why are we afraid of people seeing us buy condoms? Why are we afraid of asking the doctor for a birth control prescription? Are we afraid their perception of us will change? I would wager a guess that 70% of the population doesn’t know the proper use of a condom. Maybe I’m wrong. With the rise of STD’s and pregnancies, I don’t think so.

Then there is the religious aspects which I can’t even believe I’m going to touch on, but here goes.

I believe in God and I believe God gave us sex as a tool that no other animal has the right to use like we do. It is intimacy, emotional and functional all in the same body. Yet, we are afraid of talking about it, for whatever reason. Well, I’m not. I can talk about it anywhere (I write erotica, nothing surprises me anymore). I’m amazed, astonished and puzzled that anyone of faith thinks that  educating the next generation is going to encourage them to wonder into it out of curiosity. Just the opposite, IMO. Risk, responsibility, and respect are what going encourage someone to wait till the right time for them. Not sweeping it under the rug and pretending it doesn’t exist.

Bringing this full circle, we are all using some form of social networking. Reading this simple blog is a social network of sorts. Then let us use this tool to get out the education, the information, and hell, just a conversation. Let us find ways to get ourselves involved with a great cause that involves something we all enjoy doing anyway.