Only whores use frozen orange juice

I was looking through my old bookmarks last night and found this gem. This is from a now defunct blog that used it from another blog and so on. I don’t feel bad for it stealing using it.  I think this a funny and sad satire of how attitude of women USED TO  be. One the one hand, we are encouraged to have hobbies, but unless those hobbies are in the kitchen, they really aren’t taken seriously. A woman in the corporate world is only  considered dangerous if she is promote more than once in three years. I know, I have been there. I was hated by both men and women. Men because I had boobs and refused to show them to get to the top and women because I didn’t show my boobs to get to the top.  I had a brain and I used it for more than just bringing the paper to my husband at the end of the day. So this little list of how to please my husband properly makes me laugh. Because I think deep down most some people still believe it.  And I will always be a whore because I serve frozen juice.

A couple years ago I was bombarded with emails asking me how to please both Jesus and your Husband. I came up with a list for these ladies and it seemed to help.

I’ve re-written the list and I hope it helps as many women reading this as it has helped in the past.

1. Always be up before your Husband in the morning so you can have his paper and his breakfast ready for him when he wakes. Although it is the morning, there is no need to be slovenly, always make sure you are showered and dressed with your hair fixed and your make-up on. ALWAYS serve fresh orange juice. Only whores use frozen.

2. DO NOT sit down at breakfast. Your Husband will be trying to read the morning paper and the sound of your chair scraping on the floor will be a distraction to him as you get up and down to fetch him more biscuits or find his briefcase for him.

3. DO NOT be a clingy wife! Your Husband has a lot on his mind in the morning, planning out his busy day. Do not try to engage him in conversation about what your plans for the day are or other trivial matters. Always walk him to the door. Make sure to carry with you any of the things he has forgetton so he doesn’t need to go back for them. Offer yourself for a kiss, but if he is too busy to notice DO NOT POUT. He has a lot of responsibility and the morning is not the time for feminine hysterics.

4. DO NOT CALL YOUR HUSBAND AT WORK. Nothing will distract him from his responsibilities at work faster than trying to deal with yours as well. It can wait. In the case of an actual emergency, of course, calling him at work is necessary. PMS induced crying jags are not emergencies.

5. Spend your day cooking and cleaning. There is no excuse for anything other than a spotless house. Filth is for pigs not humans and cleaning top to bottom everyday is a good use of your time as well as good exercise. Bake lots of cookies and cakes and treats. ALWAYS REMEMBER a fat Husband is a faithful Husband.

6. When your Husband gets home from work, do not jump him with problems you’ve had during the day, or questions about his day. He needs time to relax and wind down. Make sure the TV remote is next to his chair and the batteries are fresh. Once he walks in the door, ladies…turn OFF the soaps and talk shows.

7. Have a snack ready for him to eat as you finish dinner. If he is not happy with your choice of snack DO NOT POUT, it’s your fault. He’s had a busy day and he’s not psychic. Replace the snack immediately with what he wants.

8. Dinner should be more formal than breakfast. At this meal you may be seated, and allow him to serve himself from the table. Of course if he wants hotter gravy or something from the kitchen, you need to be up and gone for it with a smile. DO NOT PIG OUT. Always leave the table a little bit hungry to maintain both your figure and your dignity.

9. After dinner you may begin clearing the table as he waits for you to bring his dessert. He will be in a state of relaxation by this point and feel contented. If he aims a playful swipe at your backside during the clearing, respond with an “oh you!”, smile and continue to the kitchen to get his dessert.

10. When choosing a dessert, remember a fat man is a faithful man and a full man falls asleep fast. Use lots of rich icings and creamy fillings.

11. Do not complain or question if your Husband has plans for after dinner. He has the right to a private life. Never call to check up on him. Use your free time to bake more, or to do his laundry.

12. Always go to bed before your Husband. He deserves a quiet time to reflect on his day and to plan for tomorrow. If he wakes you for sex when he comes to bed, give in graciously.

13. Never initiate sex yourself. Only whores initiate sex.

Embarrassing

My challenge is to write an embarrassing story, maybe the most embarrasing story of this year or this decade. However if you have ever met me or read my blog for long, you will know that my life is well…..interesting. It takes a tough person to walk down the street with me because one minute I will be walking down the street minding my own business and the next I will have somehow stumbled and pushed the person walking next to me into the wall and they will have unexplainable bruises the next day. Awesome.

I don’t just have one story, I have the story of my life. I will try to keep it short for this post.

I am a recovering hairstylist. Let us talk about the time I was wearing a skirt, loose underwear and no pantyhose. In the middle of the haircut, you guessed it, my underwear fell off.  There is not a recovery path for that. Also while cutting hair, I asked my client if I could blow him off. Thankfully he had a good sense of humor and the grace not to pinch my ass after I asked him.

I have squirted mustard on a first date shirt (on the guy not me), licked my finger then my boss’s face to get lettuce off, handed my birth control prescription to the teller at the bank instead of ID, spilled Coke Zero down my white T-shirt while interviewing a man that already thought I was out of control, called my boss because I was lost while working at a semi well known online mapping company and dropped my boss’s iPhone in the toilet while cleaning the bathroom. (I was not a janitor, just a clean freak.) I also have caught the microwave on fire while making popcorn.

I wish I just had one story. Many people have that ONE story they don’t want shared to the rest of the world. I am that person that is unleashed onto the world and then chaos starts. I will never be called graceful on purpose or on accident.

Just freaking cute

Joshua at 4.5

Coming around again

Oh hi. My blog shows I haven’t wrote since last January. And I haven’t given a real update for about eighteen months. That is a long time for someone as long winded as I am. And it has been a long year and half. Where do I start? I lost myself. I had to rebuild. A relationship ended and I didn’t handle that very well. I got very very drunk and woke up with a marriage license laying between my friend and I. I don’t remember that night. But as it was my second marriage and I hate being a failure, we decided to try to build a life together. Doomed you say? I was just rejected from one relationship, felt like my heart was ripped out from my body through the smallest cavity possible and I am entering a marriage. I became a professional drunk. And cried a lot. I look back at the pictures of myself at this time and I am surprised someone didn’t run me over with a truck, because when a dog is rabid you at least put it out of its misery. I however continued on my quest of self destruction. I moved cross country for a marriage that was doomed from the start, moved my child across country and cried a lot. The crying, don’t miss the crying in this story.

In a sequence of events that are jumbled, I came back to Kansas with kid in tow. To heal, to have a break, to get some clarity on the situation. And be able to buy Kleenex because Georgia was out of them. What was supposed to be a break turned into something more. And I am still here. I am now sober again to the relieve of my liver and friends. I also stopped crying. And the marriage that was doomed? Really was doomed. It should have never have happened in the first place. Getting married will never replace the rejection of another. All the hurt, all the confusion had to be cleared away before I could even begin to think about building a life with someone else. And that was not going to happen in a night of drunkenness. Divorce sucks. Divorce for the second time sucks more.

Eighteen months of rebuilding has brought me here. I work less, I am sober and I play with Joshua more. I laugh more. I take pictures more. I pray again and the sting of rejection is a distant memory. I also am engaged to a wonderful man named Lloyd, who deserves and will get a post all of his own. He who supports me, loves me and has watched from afar this transformation and still wants to build a life with me. Life is not perfect yet but getting damn close. I want to once again write about it.

More than just microblogging

This weekend, I had the horrible experience of being banned from posting to my favorite micro blogging site, Jaiku for two days. While some say this is just a Web 2.0 start up and will float away like many (all) of the rest of them, I beg to differ. I have been on this community for almost two years now and have had shared my life with these people. I have met some in person, who will remain nameless, some who I fell in love with, some who broke my heart, some who have listened to me cry after  my heart was broken. I am in the beginning of collaborating with some on writing adventures, and others have bought me a pro Flickr account in an invition to share more of my art than I have before. This is more than just spewing 140 characters out on a page.

In the past six months I have gone sober again and honestly without the support of my fellow Jaiku’ers I would have failed. Even while they jaiku’d drunk, I knew they supported my decision not to. And I if I said I was having a hard time that night, people I never even suspected would pop up and say “you can do this”. That is more than verbal diarrhea on an internet that already has more than enough noise. That is true support. And if and when it goes away these people will still be in my life only in different ways. But it won’t be the same.

I have not died

I am writing a post. Please forgive my absence and email your address so I may send you cookies.

N82

I received my N82 from the S60 Ambassador’s program about a week ago. I opened up my box of delight; with really no expectations except for I have always liked the Nokia products I have used.

 

The first thing I noticed as I opened the back to slip my SIM card in was the slot for the SIM card was really flimsy.  Maybe just because I am a like a klutz, but even after a week of use, I feel like I could break that little piece of silver off far too easily.  Not letting this deter my excitement for the new phone, I quickly dug into the software, installing what I feel is essential to my mobile needs. HandyTaskman for one is a necessity.  Installing software is a breeze, and very efficient.

 

This phone has been engineered with the media as a main marketing point, so I turned on the radio while uploading music. I have liked the radio function, but it is not a key selling factor to me, because I do not listen to mainstream music. However, once I got my eclectic taste of music on the phone, I plugged in the Nokia headset that was included and set off for a walk.  I hate the Nokia earplugs. They are uncomfortable, cumbersome and that is just putting them on the neck. The quality of the music is great, and the sitting in my ears is horrible. I pulled out my Sennheiser earphones so I could listen in comfort. This made my music consuming much more enjoyable.

 

My next stop was to take pictures, because this is what I do, photograph things. The camera in this phone rocks my world. The color and clarity are out of this world and considering I am holding this little device in one hand, I have no idea how the manufacture put such a great camera in a little phone. I do not really care. I love it. For a point and shoot camera, this is definitely a consideration. It has even impressed my non techie friends and that is saying a lot.

 

There is a couple of things I do not care about on this phone and one of them is the stupid gallery button they put in the middle on the right side. If I was left handed, this button wouldn’t bother me, but I am not and it does. If I had a dime for every time I am texting and push this button and then have to exit and go back to my text, I could pay for the phone myself. The button is raised, so I can’t ignore it. I absolutely hate the position of this button. Two, the buttons themselves. They are sharp, small and annoying. Third, the middle scroll button.  Maybe I am tough on things, but I can easily see in the end of my two months of ownership that this button will be taken off. It feels like it is barely glued on with rubber cement. The craftsmanship of this device feels solid till I hit this center button and I am afraid it will come off at any second. So far it has not, but that does not erase the fear that it will.

 

Overall, I am enjoying the N82 and love the ooohhhh what is that factor among friends and strangers. The call quality can not be beat, the quality of media has reminded me how much I enjoy music, and has great technology to back up the shiny factor.

 

I am appreciative to the S60 Ambassador program for the loan.

Opening up

My fear of water wasn’t ever something I was born with. In fact, if my mother could read this, she would kick me in the head and tell me to get over (I may print it off and mail to her). I swam, played in the sprinkler and did all the normal activities of youth. I was so relaxed as a child, and I hope to get back that way again.

My first marriage was not the stuff dreams are built on, and in the end, was really bad. I do not write this to smear him, attack him or blame him. The last year was spent in purgatory of emotions, and disdain of reality. This is going to be a surprise for many people, but I feel confident to speak of it now.  Also? I’m not asking for sympathy, pity or any other emotion that is trite. I left. Now I repair.

The last year of my marriage, when he and I would be in the same house, I slept in the bathtub downstairs, where he never went. The steps were low, and he was 6′5. He banged his head every time and therefore, he never looked down there for me and would think I had left.  I was making my plans to leave, I just needed some time to make it go through.

And here is the ugly part of my story, where my mind takes the dark corner. If you feel you can’t handle it, or it is a trigger for you, don’t continue. Please.

I would stare at the faucet, the facilitator of clean water and think what a lovely job to be created for. The hours are long into the night and I do not sleep well. Then one night I had a very ugly ugly thought. I wondered how much water it would take to drown. I was drowning in debt, insecurity, medical things, depression. Yet, how much water would it take to feel the actual sensation of drowning. The feeling of water coming over my body, my shoulders, knowing the inevitable was impending. What would it feel like? Would it take it all away? Make him go away? I wondered that many nights, and envisioned it so much, I could feel the weight of water on me, even while sitting in an empty tub. I would get up and dress for the work the next day, nobody knowing what I had tried not to think about the previous night.

I do not have this feeling of drowning anymore. Life is good, and getting better.

The fear of letting myself go into a complete abyss of water has not gone away yet. Now that I have talked about it openly, I hope it does.

My son, turning 3

Happy Birthday Joshman!!!