A letter to my 18 year old self

 

First of all, your hair gets more manageable and you DO end up finding jeans that fit your hips. Finally. Second of all, listen to your English teacher, because you do end up making a living writing, unlike what your sister tells you. Third of all, this would be a great time to cut your sister out of your life. Do it now, it only gets harder as you get older.

I’d like to tell you to mourn. Mourn your loss. And the man who screams all of the ugly words at you? Forgive him immediately, it will make the next year better. He doesn’t mean them. He’s hurt, just as much as you are. Hug him.

Don’t rush into another relationship. I promise you, the next guy that comes along? Let him keep walking, for he is nothing. It doesn’t prove a thing to your parents and only hurts you in the end.

Leave the church you are in. Now. They are very nice and lovely people, but they don’t understand the whole situation, nor do they want to. You will end up leaving anyway, but with less of a shattered heart and maybe less disillusioned with your faith.

Develop what you really enjoy doing, instead of what everybody tells you will make you happy. You have far more talents underneath that you have been afraid of showing, but don’t be. Also? Don’t show your talents to the wrong people. They will just crush you. The people who have no invested interest? Listen to them. They care.

The vacation that you wanted to take and was scared shitless to take? Take it. It is only money, you work hard, and your life will change. And while I’m at it, stop being so timid. That is the one product of rehab I wish they hadn’t imparted and you need to ditch it. Like, yesterday. Life is choices, chance and a bit of irony all in one and fear doesn’t fit in that.

Laugh more. People in your life? They will get your humor, I promise. Just let yourself grow.

Finally? Let go of your fear of growing old alone. You are 18 freaking years old for God’s sake. You have eternity to find someone, and this is me at 32 telling you, when he comes along, he will be nothing like you pictured, nothing like you dreamed and will be better in everyway. So, relax and enjoy the ride. Get rid of the ulcers, stop smoking so much and laugh more.

Oh young girl of 18 who has seen more than you should, take this time for you.

Sincerely,

The you who did live to be over 30

This isn’t for sympath..more like talking outloud

This has been a long and difficult year and I’m ready for it to be over. I’ve moved (more than once), had a few heart breaks, and had a mild crisis of identity. However…nothing compares to what is on my decision plate right now.

I’ve put off fixing a back injury for 8 years now. Why? Fear. Back surgery isn’t a simple in and out thing. This is a major thing. I had my jaw reconstructed and that didn’t go over so well. I bleed a lot. Healing took a long time. Bla bla bla. Now this.

The only reason why I am considering it this time is because of Joshua. I can’t pick him up or carry him right now. That isn’t great parenting. He needs me for more than what I can give him now.

Yet? I’m afraid. And that is the simple truth.

Like a midlife crisis, only different

I’m not in crisis because I’m over 30 and anyone who was born after 1980 thinks I’m “older”. I’m not in crisis because my ovaries might be drying up and I can’t have another baby….(I’m done populating the earth). I’m not in crisis because I don’t think I will ever have the career I want/need/desire.

I wouldn’t even call it a crisis. But my mind is swirling over something and I can’t put my finger on it. Please don’t suggest I go out on a date, the last one turned into frog promptly at midnight.

Yet….I’m searching for something.

Bare with me, I hope to find it soon.