I do not often talk about the following topic. In fact, until recently, I never talked about it at all. Yet talking with a dear friend has helped me to release guilt, anger and finally a love that I had suppressed for a long time.
When I was young…way to young….I gave birth, conceived with a life long friend who will not be named. My body wasn’t recovered from giving up some hard core drugs and the doctors did not give us much hope. Yet, we in a faith we didn’t understand, still decided to try to give this baby a chance.
Life is strange and unpredictable. When I went into labor three months early, guilt set in. The coulda woulda shoulda’s set in. Why’s set in. But we did not have much time to think about it, for we were to watch a three pound baby born with congestive heart failure fight for his life. We were not allowed to hold him, for he was too weak they said. Tubes, and connections were what cradled his tiny body. For eight days. And then he had a seizure.
We were given choices, choices we weren’t ready to cope with. The only choice seemed to be, let him go in peace. Give him a dignity that few are offered. We unplugged the feeding tube and oxygen. Hours later, while we were finally able to hold him, his body passed with along with the spirit that didn’t have enough strength to hold on.
Many of my friends and family do not know this about me. I’m not ashamed of this, I just haven’t been able to talk about it. Ever. When asked how many kids I have, my mind always stops and remembers, but never talks about it.
Why share now? Because I don’t feel guilty anymore. I don’t feel anger. I just feel a love that I have suppressed for many years, and I can not hide that.
