Sexually Frustrated, Table For One

me on phone: Joshua, I don’t need the Swiffer in my crotch tonight, thanks.
friend: Melissa: that’s the most action you’ve gotten in awhile, you might not gripe.

Take The Damn Cooke Already

Since October, I have been seeing my therapist twice a week.  She is a wonderful lady and only now, after two years of regular visits, am I seeing her real side. 

Since her office is only a few blocks away from my apartment, the baby and I have been walking down there.  Once in a while, I will forget snacks or entertainment, as I did yesterday.  And like always, she offered him some snack she had there.  I normally refuse, instead, choosing to listening to his fussing at no end because of my damn pride.  Pride over taking a cracker because I forgot mine at home.  Yesterday, I changed my tune.  I accepted the snack.  Not because Joshua really needed the snack.  My attitude needs to change.  People are for the  most part nice and want to do nice things, especially for babies.  My stupid independent streak rears up at the most absurd times.  I am sure my therapist was thinking, MY GOD, she took the cracker.  Is the sky falling? 

See, this goes more than taking the snack.  My nature is just "I’ll do it myself".  My mom swears that was my first phrase as a baby.  Accepting help is never easy.  Asking for help is worse.  Fear of rejection,  is the wall of Berlin for all of us. 

While not becoming a moocher, I’m going to start taking the damn cookie already.  Because it was really good.

Taken tonight, as I bribed him with a banana to hold still.

Can you believe how cute this creature of mine is ?

 

Potty Training, Now With More Pee

I’ve been potty training Joshua for about two months now, after deciding his fascination with the toilet could be a sign.  Honestly, he likes sitting on the toilet, but I didn’t know that he was getting the point of what to do up here.  Until I last night when I brought him in the bathroom for another 10 minute session of pointing to his penis and telling him to relax one more effort.  As I was putting the child size seat on, he took off his diaper, walked up to the wall and let it all flow out.  Well DUH.  He wants to stand up to pee.  Now I know that it really is innate, because he hasn’t seen me stand up to pee since the day I put the toilet lock on without reading the directions and couldn’t get it off quick enough. 

Carseat Nazi’s Need Not Read This

About a week ago, I was going with a friend to drop the baby off at the day care.  When we reached the babysitter’s, I went to get Joshua out of the car seat and he. was. not. buckled. in.  Now, all the things that ran through my head are probably running through yours, what if there was an accident, yada yada yada.  I’ve thought all those things and more.  Except, only for a minute.  For my friend looked over at me and refused to let me beat myself up over this.  Because really?  It could have been bad.  Yet it wasn’t.  Nothing happened.  Thankfully.

A year ago, I would have called my therapist immediately, and hashed it out over and over and over.  Not this time.  Why is this time different?  Because the perfection of parenthood is something that does not exists.  I thought it did.  It’s unattainable.  There is a huge learning curve with the parenting gig that few ever talk about.  Every parent’s curve is different, but we all have one.  My mistake with the car seat didn’t erase all the good things that happen or my love for Joshua.  I needed to know that.  I did in my mind, but I needed it in my heart.

That day, standing in front of the car seat, I had a revelation.  I do not know how to describe it, really, other than I eased up the pressure I put on myself that day.  The pressure to do everything right and if it’s not right, then beat myself up in an 18 round game. 

Helpful Hint #348

When you feel your legs and wonder when was the last time you bought a razor, don’t think about it, just fix it. It’s been long enough.

Survivor

Stability. That is the word for the day. Every day. How to remain stable throughout the day, hour and some times minutes. Depression takes away stability. I have been a fighter since my exsistance, and now is not different. When I set my mind on something, I want to win. What do I want to win now? I can tell you what I do not want to win. Betty Crocker Mom of the Year Award, Cleanest House on the Block While Loosing My Mind Award, and my favorite, Laundry Clean and Folded At The End Of The Day Award. I have accepted that for my stability to remain intact, these awards will have to someone else. I do not begrudge any person who can strive to accomplish everything listed above. My limitations are not handicaps, held against me by some Best Mother Club. My limitations bring me to the level of other mom’s, who like me, have chosen what all they can do and can not do. It does not matter what I can not accomplish, but what I feel comfortable accomplishing, all while holding onto the stability that I crave and Joshua deserves.

Joshua is the best child God could have ever given me. He is calm where I am anxious. He is quiet and laid back when I want to scream my head off and have anyone within 500 feet of my know my discontent. I am learning from my child, which is what I believe is God’s ultimate plan. And I am grateful.