Life, Continued

I’m somewhat ok. Joshua is good. I go into his room at night and stare at him, knowing that he is why I’m here on earth. I’ve been ruined finacially, and have to pick myself up from that.

I’ll be back shortly.

Dying is not an option.

It Is What It Is

Depression will:

 suck moments away from you that can never be retrieved

take away the enjoyment of a child’s laughter

rob the soul of seeing the  light of day

leave the spirit devoid of joy

make the day seem long

make the night seem longer

leave an anxiety in the pit of the stomach

rob the people involved with the depressed of insight

leave the depressed unable to express the depth of darkness to be found

render the depressed unable to make rational decisions

rob the depressed and leave nothing in return.

I am the person who has nothing left to return.

Therapy, Arby’s and a New Toothbrush

Well, if you read my last post, you would realize I was on my last thread.  Seriously, not fun.  I went to therapy today.  I love her.  More than I can say. She realizes what the problem is and shucks down to the cob.

I never want to be a martyr.  Yet, it’s an easy thing to start thinking.  My GOD, I really do everything around here and that is fine.  I’m not doing it for a medal.  Still, the path is easy to fall on, thinking when will this end? The laundry, the diapers hidden under the couch, the weaning from a bottle, the everything that is overwhelming, it will come to an end.  Not for a while though.  I have to learn to enjoy it while I can get through it.  She gave me the best prescription I have had in years.

I was told to go be a human for 3 hours before I picked up the baby.  Yes, seriously.  Normally, I take the baby to the sitters, and come home to work uninterrupted for 4 hours.  I was told not to do that today.  Instead, I was told to go be ME.  I have forgotten who ME is.  Seriously. 

My first mission?  You see, I like Arby’s, but it’s sooooo expensive, that I always think that I should be buying diapers instead of paying $7 dollars for a meal.  Today, I threw that out the window and enjoyed a fat haven Beef Bacon and Cheese delight with a Jamocha shake.  MMMMmmmmm.  Without guilt.  Because my therapist said to.  I don’t know if I can properly explain how I felt sitting there, eating something I don’t let myself eat.  I loved it.  And it was just for me.  I could have cheese on it, because Joshua wasn’t there (he’s lactose intolerant).  I had yummy bacon, and who doesn’t like bacon?  And the shake?  Again, I don’t get them because Joshua likes to share.

Today, I had total permission to enjoy and relax.  Next, I went to the grocery store without Joshua and just walked around.  Without having a hand on him because someone might take him.  Just me.  For the first twenty minutes, I felt naked.  I wanted my baby.  Then, I settled down and thought why?  Do I want to talk to him?  Do I want to sing to him?  Not really.  I wanted him there because I’m supposed to want him there.  I’m not supposed to enjoy just being by myself.  Who made that rule?  They are stupid.  I HAVE to have some time for me.

I can’t say that everything is 100% again.  I do have the burden off my chest and I can breath again.  For now, that is enough.