When Brain Cell #4787 Went Out The Window

 

If your not going to eat, then I’m not going to feed you.

 

Please don’t eat your poop.

 

You can get mad, you still are not drinking the toilet water.

 

Thank you for chewing it for me and wanting me to eat it, but I’m full.

 

No, seriously I’m stuffed.

 

You don’t need to watch mommy pee, I’m fine by myself.  (As he’s pulling up to the toilet while I’m on it)

 

 

It Was Like Opening Day Of Bathing Suit Season

I had my home inspected today for energy conservation.  Can I just say the guy talked like he was conserving his own energy for a rainy day?  Anyways, he walked around my apartment, telling me what was wrong with my home and ways to cut my electric and gas bill.  He gave his spill and I yawned.  Finally he went to the bathroom and brought out his final sales pitch.  The big daddy of them all.  Fluorescent light bulbs.  He replaced my two 60 watt bulbs with florescent light bulbs.  Oh, and then he goes into my bedroom and says and I’m not joking “Nothing unusual in here.”  Seriously? 

 

When he leaves I forget about the newly energy saving bulbs in my bathroom.  And then I go.  And I look at myself in the mirror.  I would gladly pay regular energy prices for a normal light bulb.  I saw lines on my face that only God should see.  Crows feet, a black head that looked comfy in his armchair and a chin hair that I didn’t know I had.  I plucked the chin hair, waved at the black head and switched the light bulb.  I’m staying in the land of disillusionment a little longer.

 

 

There’s No Where To Hide Within Your Own House

After trying unsuccessfully for two days to get my kitchen sink unclogged, I hesitantly called my landlord to come fix it.  He came, he plunged.  I prayed it was nothing serious.  And when I was in the laundry room and he called to me and said “I got it, it was your nipple that got stuck”, I laughed so hard I cried.  In front of him.  But wait, there is more.

 

I have seen my post man maybe two times in the past 14 months of residing here.  And when I heard him putting my mail in and opened the door, maybe I should have said “I’ve been waiting for that” instead of saying “I’ve been waiting for you”.

 

 

 

 

If My Clocks Were Set Right, Maybe I Would Have Known

I signed legal papers today for tax purposes. A very scary thing. And I have a midterm examine I mean business proposal to turn in May 1st. Let that sink in. May 1st. A week. I’m either overconfident, blonder than Clairol should allow, or brilliant. No, don’t tell me. I know which one.

You Had Me at Caffeinated

As promised, I will tell you about my drinking experience of boca java. I tried first the Blogger’s Beach Blast. With a promise of chocolate kiss and caramel, I was suspect. Most flavor coffee’s I’ve tried just don’t live up to that promise of said chocolate. First, I like the color of this coffee when made. Dark but still translucent. Not at all like the motor oil my boss used to drink. Excellent. Second, I made it a nontraditional way. I put it in the blender with some ice and a tad of milk. It’s hot here and I wanted to be refreshed. Taking my eagerly anticipated drink out to the front porch(remembering I do all reflective coffee drinking at night right?), I take a sip.

Mmmmm. Very smooth. That was my first impression. Not at all take-over-your-taste-buds experience at all. Second. I taste chocolate. And a very nice taste at that. Wow, what’s that? Caramel didn’t let me down either. I’m ecstatic. A coffee with flavor. And no bitter after taste like coffee sometimes has. This is something I can drink every morning. I’m committed. Another benefit of this wonderful drink is that it’s available in decaf.

I’m very satisfied with this taste testing experience. Another program I wanted to bring to attention was their Operation Million Cups. Regardless of your thoughts on war, this program is a great idea. You and I can donate a bag of boca java and they will match that donation and send to the troops in Iraq. I can’t change the fact that we are in war, but I can send a cup of coffee to the men and women who are fighting in my honor. Boca java will even give you a discounted price if this is a program you want to donate to. What an excellent way to show our support to the people who are fighting without taking a political stance on whether we should be in war or not.

Drink up fellow caffeine addicts. And for you Sharon, they make decaf tea that you would enjoy also!!!!

This Is OnStar, What’s Your Emergency

Nothing to look at here folks.  The styrofoam he ate, he’ll poop out in 3-4 days.  The mystery blue stain on his arm, but no where else on his body?  Priceless.

 

 

Transfusion 2006

Cast of Characters

 

Me- Bad Patient

Her-Doctor Who Thinks Bad Patients Diet Sucks

Him-Baby Who Wants Attention

 

We enter the scene as Me sits down early in the morning with a fresh Diet Coke and checking her emails.

 

ring ring

 

Me-Hello- scratching hair wondering if I’ve washed it lately

 

Her-Hi. Is Melissa there?

 

Me-This is she-wondering if it’s a telemarketer or if Ed McMahon really did let me win this year

 

Him-daddddddaaaaaa ommmmmmaaaaaa daddddda ddadddddaaa

 

Her-I’ve called to tell you your test results.  I think we need to talk about some health issues

 

Me-Uhmmm, ok.  Good or bad-wondering if I need a different haircut

 

Her-I think we need a different sample.  One where you have drank water in the day.  How much water do you drink daily?

 

Me-How much water comes in Diet Coke?

 

Him-Ommmmmmmmaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

 

Her-There is no water in Diet Coke.  I want you to fast for 12 hours, no food, but at least 10 glasses of water.  Then you can pee in a cup and we will redo your blood tests.

 

Me-That doesn’t sound like fun.  Wait, you mean NO Diet Coke for 12 hours?  Is that possible?

 

Her-Yes it is possible.  How much Diet Coke do you drink daily?  Also, you have a low count on bla bla bla bla bla bla bla.  How much protein and vegetables do you eat daily.  We need to up those. 

 

Me-How many servings of fruit does Blueberry Poptarts count for?-I’m not giving up Diet Coke and Poptarts

 

Her-None.  I’m going to leave a diet I want you to start following at the front desk.  Pick it up when you come in to get your blood done.  Remember fast for 12 hours with at least 10 glasses of water so that you can have a flushed out system.

 

Me-**she said flushed heheheh**-Yes Doctor.  How long do you want me to follow the new diet?-wondering how hot I will look buying vegetables with my new hair cut

 

Her-Lets get your blood counts evaluated first and go from there.  Have a great day!!!

 

Me-man she sounds chipper for taking away someone’s caffeine for 12 hours

 

Him-DADDDDDDDDDAAAAA ommmmmmmmmmaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa daddad daddd dadddda ddadaaad 

 

I Was Happy With My Free Coffee Till I Went Bloghopping

 

If you look to the side of my blog you will see a giget for boca java.  They have sent me 6 different coffee’s and an awesome mug and hat to match.  There’s only one flavor I can’t try and that has Kahlua in it.  I can’t go down that road, sorry.  But tonight while I’m editing, I’m trying Hound Dog Heaven.  It’s peanut butter and banana flavor.  Doesn’t that sound yummy!!!

 

Back to what I originally started this about.  I really hate when insensitive people are given a voice or power.  And since becoming Joshua’s mother, I’ve become sensitive to children and who should have power.  People who don’t enjoy children, people who don’t know the power of what a child can do.  Lucinda had the mother’s worst nightmare of leaving a child in a day care.  And it was for an hour.  Pajama Mama is mad and you will just have to read about to understand.  In essence, there is a group of people who are saying her daughters, who she decided to adopt out of love and devotion are a tragedy to the human race and should have been aborted.  Maybe because I believe passionately about abortion or adoption I don’t know, but for anyone ANYONE to call a child a tragedy to the human race makes me furious.  I cried reading both of these blogs today.

 

Why are the people who don’t enjoy children or don’t appreciate the value of a human life always the people with the loudest voices?  I will be real honest and say that I told my preacher’s wife that I could never volunteer in the nursery because other people’s baby’s make me nervous.  Wonderful, now I clean windows.  So not a big deal.  If you aren’t capable of working at a day care, go to McDonald’s and serve fries.  Fries don’t poop on you.  Problem solved.

 

I don’t believe any one should ever ever ever ever be able to say who should live and who shouldn’t.  I haven’t been allowed to play God and neither should you.  Take a look at Pajama Mama’s baby’s and tell me that they should have been aborted.  I dare you.  Tell me it was God’s will they be killed in utero so they wouldn’t contaminate the human race.  Tell me she doesn’t deserve to hear their giggles and see them smile.  When God resigns and give you a promotion, I’ll believe you.  Till then, sit down shut up and don’t get in my way. 

 

Thomas Edison Would Have Liked Instant Messaging

It’s a good day when you have a conversation that involves what the other person’s blog was about, how long they have been blogging and then leaving a comment on their blog while IM’ing the person at the same time.  I so would not have been a good conversationalist 100 years ago while waiting for a letter that could take months to arrive.  Oh and the whole petty coat skirt thing wouldn’t have been for me either.

Motherhood, Or The Case Of The ???????????????

I had a very interesting conversation tonight with a fellow mother.  And a very sensitive subject came up.  One that most women don’t talk about for fear of rejection, fear of exile.  Fear of even their own judgment.  But I have no fear, so I’ll talk about it.

 

When I became a mother for the second time, I was worried, fearful, overjoyed and overwhelmed.  And I was scared of sooooo many things.  Of giving him a bath for fear he would drown.  That fear didn’t go away actually till he was 5 months old and my friend Sharon said get a grip and move on.  Galley ho, moving on.

 

Joshua was 3 days old when my friend Geri brought me home from the hospital.  Ensuring I had pain pills, food and drink, she went home to her life.  And I looked at the 7 pound baby on my chest and said out loud “Well, what now?”  He snuggled in closer and I found it ironic that in my insecurity, he still felt secure.  I laid him in his crib and he was too small.  And his diaper leaked on the sheet.  I had only bought one sheet at that point, for he had came early.  He and I have been home not an hour and he had leaked thru his clothes, sheet and blanket.  I was so nervous to see what would happen for the rest of the night.

 

When I brought him home I only had two goals.  Seriously.  To feed and diaper him all day.  I didn’t worry about bathing him, showering or dressing me or doing my dishes.  I couldn’t care less what the laundry situation was.  I wanted to take care of a baby that didn’t know I felt incompetent.  And I have.  He’s done well.

 

But I won’t lie to you.  I have put him in his crib crying and went to sit on the toilet because I couldn’t make him stop.  I have cried in the shower while listening to the baby monitor, praying to God he wouldn’t wake up till I had the shampoo out of my hair.  I’ve felt overjoyed and overwhelmed at the same time.  Yet afraid to share that with any other woman because they might have it together and wouldn’t understand.  Wouldn’t get that some times I don’t want to get up in the middle of the night and cuddle my baby or even feed him, because ONE more hour of sleep would be wonderful. 

 

I had a conversation with my preacher’s wife who has had 5 children and has started on grandchildren.  If any one knows about living in the glass bowl, she does.  And you know what?  I took my baby to her church in a dirty diaper, dirty clothes and a bottle.  And all she said was, take him to the nursery and come sit down.  No judgment.  None.  Because she had been there.  There are some days that it’s just too much.  It’s ok to admit that.  Out loud even.