Things You Shouldn’t Put On An Appication

I was emailed an employment application from a friend the other day. As I was filling it out last night I came to a box that said “Tell us in your own words why you feel you would be a good fit with our company”. It took every bit of my last restraint not to fill in “Well, I don’t really want to work, I just have to in order to eat. I will have pictures of my child everywhere, I will regale you and every one in ear shot what his poop looked like. I will use every excuse I can to get off early and go be with my child and I will have child care issues like everyone else in the work force. I will not be working for employee of the month. But please hire me, because I used to be a normal working gal and in another 18 years, I will fully be committed to you.”

In My World

Ever go to the church dinner and sit by the guest speaker? And he’s sophisticated. He’s educated. And all of a sudden when he asks you what your role in the church is and you can’t tell him because your baby has turned his sippy cup upside down and your sitting on it? So you have water leaking all over your butt. In church. With the sophisticated speaker asking you what you want to achieve in church. And at that point all you want is a dry butt?

I Tried, I Really DId

I love my therapist. She’s awesome. We just have two disagreements. Diet Coke and my lack of sleep. I’ve been an insomniac for years and while it’s not healthy, it’s been manageable. Unless I”m stressed. Like this month. So 14.5 minutes into my session with her, she asks me how much sleep I’ve been getting. Enough. Quit lying, you look like crap. Well, doc, don’t hold back, tell me how you really feel. And the reason why I like her is she can’t prescribe medication. I’ve been on the slippery slope of over medicated and I’m leery. I take the med’s I need to be a nice human, but not anymore than I need. She looks me dead in the eye–”Here’s the phone to your doctor, you need a prescription to sleep.” Not a whole lot of options are there. I call, I pick up the prescription. I don’t have a diet coke after 3 am. I take my little pill at 3:30 am. This is a very low dose, because I’m alone with the Yiddish singing choir I mean Joshua and need to be able to wake up appropriately. Ironically enough, at 4:45 he woke up ready to play and be entertained. I however am hungover, and still look like crap. God really does have a sense of humor.

At the wheel

1997

The traffic was mild, the day sunny. My mind had been replaying last night’s events. He said, I said, he said. I’d been playing things over in my mind until I couldn’t remember what the actual truth was. It had been a bad night, one we had replayed before. We had never come up with a solution, but he had always promised more. What had sparked the fight this time? Oh, that’s right, I bought blue towels instead of beige. I knew when I bought them that it was a mistake. I looked in the rear-view mirror for clearance to change lanes. I wished I was making lane changes in my life instead of my car. I changed lanes and rolled up the window because the wind was catching my breath. A semi pulled into the lane on my left and suddenly I couldn’t see. I…CAN’T…SEE! My heart started racing. I couldn’t move to the right, I would miss my exit. I was stuck. Oh, God, why can’t I breath? Think, Melissa, think. Slow down and he will pass. Quiet honking at me, I’m trying not to die here. I could hear my heart beating in my ears. Is my heart supposed to beat this loudly? No, I don’t think so. I’ll call the doctor later. No can’t do that yet, insurance just changed. I don’t know my network yet. What if something is wrong with my heart and I have to wait for my insurance to kick in? I CAN’T SEE THE ROAD! I couldn’t see because my eyes were getting blurry, and all I could hear was my heart beating in my ears. I can’t have heart problems, I forget to take pills! Oh God, did I take my birth control pill? No, I forgot! Maybe that’s why he doesn’t want to be intimate anymore, he knows how forgetful I am. I CAN’T SEE THE ROAD! I don’t have a new doctor in this town anyway. When will I be back home? Oh, yes, in 3 days. Did I call and schedule that photo shoot like I was supposed to? Yes, yes I did. I had received the confirmation email. I couldn’t hear the radio, all I could hear was my heart. Will I be done with the photo shoot before the doctor’s office closes? I’ll have my mom call and get me an appointment with the doctor. Where’s my cell phone? Oh god I left it at home again. He’s going to be mad. There will be a fight. There will be yelling. I can’t swallow. I’m supposed to be able to swallow right? I CAN’T SWALLOW! I picked up my water bottle to take a sip and couldn’t get it down my throat. What is wrong with my throat? I need to pull over. PULL OVER! There’s no room. For the love of chocolate there’s no room to pull over. Thank you Chevy man for pulling over, now I can too. As I put the gear shift in neutral, I took a deep breath. What is wrong with my body? Why is it failing at 22? All I could hear is my heart beating so loudly. I took several deep breaths. My eyes weren’t fuzzy anymore. I could breath again. My heart finally went back to the pace of a normal human. I took a drink of water.

Welcome Melissa. You have gotten on the ride of anxiety, no height requirements necessary.

Mom

Dear Mom,

I got the letter in the mail today. The letter that explains why we have been playing phone tag for 2 weeks. I know you didn’t have the nerve to tell me I would receive it. You didn’t write the letter, but you knew it was coming. You had the fore knowledge that it was coming, but you avoided me, successfully avoiding the subject at hand.

I know my mental break down was a disappointment to you. Even humiliation. I can’t go back and erase it. It happened. And now I’m living with the repercussions of some of my actions during my time out of reality. I don’t know how to tell you I’m still the girl you raised. I still have the values you instilled in me. I still believe in God. But 3 years ago, my grip on reality started slipping. And I know you saw this. I know you didn’t know how to help. I’ve never blamed you. I’ve never pointed a finger at anyone but myself.

I do however need to tell you what’s on my heart with the recent events brought to light. You’ve made your position known by your avoidance. I can’t ask anymore of you than you have to give. Yet my heart asks when is it my turn for someone to stand on my side. To not be ashamed of the mental disease that I have. To not be humiliated by the fact that I can’t keep my secret in the closet anymore. I can’t pretend to be something I’m not anymore. I did that for 27 years and even I believed the lies I enshrouded myself with. But the cloud of disillusionment was lifted and I’m living in the light once more. And the light also shows who is by my side and who is not. I have stood by the people I loved thru various events in their lives. And yet I find myself with few of the those I stood by. I realize you, Mom, might be on the edge, not really sure if this time is for real. If this is the time I hang on the cliff of reality. I realize you were on the ride with me the whole time and now your hesitant. But I need you to know I’m living for two people now, Joshua and myself. I’ve put on my gloves and grabbed the rope of life, hanging on. But I need to tell you something Mom. I need you. I need to sing nursery rhymes on the way home from school with you. I need to bake brownies with you. I need your recipes for chili and casseroles. I need to sit on your lap and read Dr. Suess till the book falls apart. I know you feel I’ve taken from you the last three years, but now I have something to give back to you. You are the woman who gave me life and I need to be in your bosom. I’m sorry for all the wasted time, but I don’t want to waste more time. Please forgive me for the disappointments and the humiliation and the dreams I shattered of yours. I will create new dreams, if you just decide to join me back in my circle of light.

 

Whisper Sweet Nothings To Me

Ever have the one you love look into your eyes and lean in you?  They reach out to sweep the hair out of your eyes and touch your cheek?  Or do they lean in to you, pull your bangs till you tell them your ATM PIN, poke your eye disabling vision for life and chew on your nose so you can’t escape? 

 

I’ll regret telling this story, I’m sure

Reading Little Miss today, and her “funky bathroom”, reminded me of a story of my own funky bathroom. Well not my own. Just read the story . My father had his hip replaced about 3 years ago. He went to the nursing home for 3 weeks after because insurance would pay for his therapy and various other crap that goes along with a hip replacement. Now, 3 years ago, I was not in as a good of place as I am today. Anyways, my mom, son, sister and her twins are up visiting. I went to the bathroom and let’s just say it wasn’t as pleasant coming out as when I went in. I close the door (remember these rooms are very small) and think to myself, dear God why. My mom gets up to use the restroom and I very politely, very quietly ask her if she can wait. She says sure. End of story, no!!!! My son hears me tell her to wait and says why mommy why mommy why mommy why mommy why mommy why mommy till I whisper in his ear that it stinks in there. To which he goes opens the door and says “Oh for the love of God”. My family is cracking up by now. This was not the end of my humiliation. My son leans out the door of the nursing home and says very loudly, “We are going to need a clean up on aisle 9 here!!!!!!!!!!!!!  

Overheard

My oldest son talking to my sister’s twins “You better calm down girls, your mom is watching Super Nanny” **note: occasionally I might include snippets of what my oldest son says because he has a sense of humor like no 9 year old I know. But say something hurtful about him or our situation and I won’t play nice**

Baby Love

True friendship is when a friend calls and says, “Bring toilet paper and caffeine” and the friend doesn’t say “huh”  but “How many ply’s”.

 

True love of  a baby is feeding him broccoli even though it goes against your philosophy to eat trees.

Dear Abby

My name is Joshua and I’m 7 1/2 months old. Don’t forget the 1/2 ok, it’s very important to me. I have a problem that I hope you can help me with. My mother. I want her with me at all times. I don’t want her to leave the room, even if it means she’s making me a bottle or buying me China. I need her to sit with me and look at me at all times. This may sound selfish, but it’s a new scary world and I find her comforting. What I don’t need her to do is be in my face all the time. If she asks me one more time “are you my little boy” I might spit up on her. I don’t want her to play with my toys, I want her to watch me play with them. I don’t feel like I’m asking to much, I mean in the store she’s the one who asked me “do you like this……”. I chewed on it, I gave my approval. Now hands off. But don’t walk away. I need your help with having her watch me all the time. I’ve grinned, I’ve cued and gooed. I’m not saying Momma till there’s money involved.

Thanks for helping Abby. I get up around 4 from my nap if you’d like to contact me.