Thinking of Putting On My Porch So My Neighbor’s Will Know I’m Crazy

Steam Cleaning therapy

A night at my house:

Me: Don’t sit there
Friend: Why not
Me: I haven’t cleaned it yet
Friend: Um, ok
Me: Don’t sit there either
Friend: Ok what wrong with your carpet?
Me: My therapist told me when the baby is doing something that makes me want to put my head in the oven, walk away and come back later.
Friend: Well duh . So why is your carpet dirty?
Me: The baby was acting up when I put his diaper on, so I walked away.
Friend: Can your therapist come over and clean for you?

Note to Self

When the 13 fire alarms go off when I’m cooking, the meat is actually done.

Are you there God, It’s Me Melissa

First of all, can you resist a boy and a bear?

Dear God,
Forgive me for walking around Walmart thinking my problems are the only problems of the universe. Forgive me for thinking bad thoughts about the cashier when she couldn’t get my Debit Card to work. Thank you for the grace to talk with the woman behind when my anxiety was at it’s highest. Thank you for not letting me wallop the jerk who cut in front of me in Subway when he was no where near the line. Thank you for letting the woman who stood behind me and was so patient(more so than I would have been) wave at me. Forgive me when I REALLY REALLY wanted to ask the jerk if it was his first trip out in public. But most of all, Thank You for the cart guy who I’ve even made fun of on this site. Thank you for him walking me to my car to help me with my baby and my groceries despite his back brace, his knee brace and the fact that he has a disformity that I imagine has held him back in life. Thank you that he has shown me more grace than I deserve and more grace than he’s been given. Thank you for reminding me that my problems listed above aren’t even problems. Thank you for using this vessel to remind me of the beauty of life

I Can’t Figure Out Why He Doesn’t Like Me

Maybe it was the fact it was 6 am.
Maybe it was the fact I was asking for a plunger.
Maybe it was the fact I had chai latte spilled down the front of me.
Maybe it was the fact that I had a white shirt on with a very apparent black bra.
I can’t put my finger on it, but there’s a reason why my neighbor doesn’t seem to like me.

Moving Day

When I had Joshua, I promised myself I wouldn’t be one of “those” mothers. You know, the type who needed my baby to need me. Guess what happened? The nurse handed me this tiny thing that looked at me and snuggled. And my heart melted. I mean melted like buddder, honey. I would never have thought I would have a kid sleep with me. But I put him in his crib and he was tiny. I couldn’t leave him there. So, he moved into my bed. And it worked for some time. I never once did it for him, I did it for me. I could see him breathing and his nighttime giggles and it made me happy. Then my wonderful Sharon had him for some time. She’s had 8 baby’s, she knows how this thing works. She knew before I did he was ready to go to his crib. And he did, with no crying involved. Minimal pain was involved and non of it was on his part. So, after some time spent apart, he came home and was still ready for his crib. Well, considering it is like 6 inches from my face, I thought I could handle that. Again it hurts me more than him. I don’t even think he thinks about it.

This morning changed all that. I’m putting his crib back in his room. Why the sudden moving day? He woke me up. And he was still asleep. He WAS SNORING. My six month baby was snoring like a man. And loud.

I found out I am “that” mom. I’m not ready for this move. But it’s not about me anymore is it? Wait till he asks for the keys to the car, I’ll be a basket case.

Diet Coke Anonymous

Hi, I’m Melissa and I like diet coke…..

I like to pull the cool can out of the fridge and pull back the tab.
I like to swallow that first sip when all the fuzz is still there.
I like to feel the caffeine reach into my body and brain and energize me.

Hi, Melissa, welcome to our group. We feel your pain. We also enjoy everything you described.
Here is what we substitute for our addiction.

DIET CAFFEINE FREE COKE

It’s not the same people, I’m not gonna lie.

Trends in Parenting

There’s a new trend in parenting that I believe we should all be aware of and watch out for. It’s called Attachment Parenting. Did you catch that name? Attachment Parenting. Now, while it sounds like you are forming a bond with your child, no this is not as simple as that. Let me explain.
There is a list of 7 things you as the parent must do or you will screw up your kid and he will end up in therapy.
Birth Bonding
Breastfeeding
Babywearing
Bedding Close to Baby (family bed or different beds in the same room)
Belief in the language of your baby cries
Beware of Baby-Trainers
Balance

Birth bonding
I’m out of that picture already because I had a c-section. *sign*

Babywearing.
If you visit http:/Dr,sears.com, he will sell you many contraptions that will literally tie your baby to you till he goes to college. I don’t know about you, but when I need to go sit on the toilet, I want some time to myself. Oh, time to myself, that’s wrong because said child won’t be emotionally bonded to me and I might not respond to his needs right when he has them. Now, I’m not leaving my baby in the corner all day to fend for himself, BUT GIVE ME A FREAKING BREAK. If I can’t clean my house, do laundry and cook without my baby on my 24-7, then he just needs to go to therapy when he’s older. Because my body hurts 24-7 and I hold him as much as any new mother does. But I have to have some time for myself or I’ll leave the house and never come back.
Balance
Kinda sounds impossible when your holding your baby 24-7 not being able to do anything but look at baby huh?
The thing that gets me about the people who are falling in the legions that believe this crap is they will go on a website and ask the community “am I AP enough”. They don’t know if they are going to be allowed into the group if they don’t “wear their baby”, or whatever else is on the list. To me, this is sad sad sad sad. Dr. Sears hates women. That’s the only conclusion you can come up with this because what logical sane man would stay at home and do the list all day? I can’t think of one and I wouldn’t want to meet him if he did.
I think the only thing that makes sense on the list is balance. I love my baby more than life itself, but balance is so important. I have to have my 10 minute shower without anybody touching me or anyone looking at me for the whole time. Call me selfish, I can take it. But my baby will not dominate over me. And that’s what I believe Dr. Sears. is accomplishing with his mantra. Child domination over woman. He couldn’t keep women out of the work force any other way besides strapping(literally here folks) the baby on the mother and telling her this is the only way to parent. And women are believing it. Woman hater.

http://www.brainchildmag.com/essays/eller.htm This essay will better describe why I hate Dr. Sears. And why he hates women. I didn’t write it, but I have all the emotions for Dr. Sears that she does. It’s worth the time. That way when someone says, have you heard of Dr. Sears, you can say yes I have and do you want your child to dominate you? You will be able to save some unfortunate soul the time and money of reading a book that’s soul existence is because Dr. Sears hates women.

I’m going to go to laundry. I can do that because my baby isn’t strapped me. And I still feel like a woman.

Because I’m a Proud Mommy

Six month comparison of the baby I brought home that still fascinates me every second of the day.

Coming home not suspecting that mom had noooo idea what to do with me next.

And now at six months, still without the knowledge that mom is making it up as she goes along.

A Brief Glimpse into My World

Only in Kansas can you get sushi and ice cream at the same restaurant.

Buying a very large bag of Lucky Charms with out buying milk is like buying a gas card with no car to drive.

I went to a new church this week. I sit up front. It’s not so that I will be noticed by God, it’s so that I’m not distracted by men’s necks that need shaved, women’s hair that need to be rethought, and child playing peekaboo with me till the service is over.

Driving behind a slow person is really frustrating, unless the coolest song from the eighties comes on and then a slow driver can’t be found.

Love is needing to use the restroom, but also needing to let baby work himself back to sleep. So a shimmy dance down the other side of the bed where he can’t see me, crawling on the floor to the door of the bedroom and banging my head on the door knob when standing up. Picking baby up after loosing my cool over said door knob.