Mommy of the Year

I’m not even in the running for this award-

My son is playing and laughing to ME SO HORNY.

I’m a good parent.

Random Thoughts of the Week

I don’t own a pizza cutter. My solution? Roll the pizza up like a taco and combine cultures.

Is it wrong that I put a bow on my son’s head today to go to the mall and get a free Strawberry Shortcake doll for mommy and me?

Is it wrong that my son has a stray eye brow growing and I want to pluck it?

Isolation

The world we live in is so isolated compared to our ancestors. We don’t help our neighbors build barns(which is good because I should never under any circumstances have a hammer), we don’t borrow a cup of sugar from our neighbors. We have made ourselves an island, and I for one think I could drown in it. But I took a look at my neighbors and wasn’t impressed and will not be asking for a cup of sugar from them.

So how do we solve this crisis of isolation? BLOGGING BABY!!! I’m totally addicted. I’ve read like 20 today and man do I love it.

But still, there’s something to be said for having some one sit at your table and drink your cheap coffee and say, Oh Honey I know.

Grocery Shopping and Cockroach Spray

I hate grocery shopping. I can speed shop if people would just get out of my way and let me push my cart where I want to go. I push the cart like I drive, to get there. It never fails that I always get behind the person who wants to know if they are spending 16 cents an ounce or 12. Let me give you hint moron, MOVE OUT OF MY WAY OR I WILL HURT YOU. And grocery cart/greeter people-who applies for that job? “Yes, I feel fully qualified to stand for 8 hours a day and push a cart forward. Giving people a sticker if they return something? I could do that given enough training. Is there a learning curve with this job?” (If you work as a cart greeter person, feel free to flame my ignorance) I just don’t see the point of them, but whatever.

Second, I noticed in the chip isle today that that’s where they keep COCKROACH SPRAY. You’ve got to be kidding me.

Third, I live in a small college town USA. Our shopping center is our airport/haircare/autocenter. So, all throughout this delightful experience, it is heard over the intercom “Big Billy Bob, please come to the auto center, your care is not complete”. I heard it at least 10 times. So, I went over to the mild porn section of the book center(we’ve got it all) and shouted IS THERE S BIG BILL BOB HERE? Guess what there was, and I told him to get his deaf ass to the auto center. I also found the nearest phone poll in the store I could find and cut a cord. It was probley the wrong cord, but I felt better.

To humor my self through this experience, I love to do orney things to people. Don’t lie, you do to. So, I usually go to the condom isle and get like 10 flavored or colored codom packages and distribute according to who will amuse me the most. Today, I found an 80 year old who left her cart unsuspecting. She got 3 packages. I saw a young youth with a basket in the fruit isle and he got 2. And a package of breast shields just because I was in a giving mood. It’s better than paying $7.50 for a movie that I will hate.

Grocery Shopping and Cockroach Spray

I hate grocery shopping. I can speed shop if people would just get out of my way and let me push my cart where I want to go. I push the cart like I drive, to get there. It never fails that I always get behind the person who wants to know if they are spending 16 cents an ounce or 12. Let me give you hint moron, MOVE OUT OF MY WAY OR I WILL HURT YOU. And grocery cart/greeter people-who applies for that job? “Yes, I feel fully qualified to stand for 8 hours a day and push a cart forward. Giving people a sticker if they return something? I could do that given enough training. Is there a learning curve with this job?” (If you work as a cart greeter person, feel free to flame my ignorance) I just don’t see the point of them, but whatever.

Second, I noticed in the chip isle today that that’s where they keep COCKROACH SPRAY. You’ve got to be kidding me.

Third, I live in a small college town USA. Our shopping center is our airport/haircare/autocenter. So, all throughout this delightful experience, it is heard over the intercom “Big Billy Bob, please come to the auto center, your care is not complete”. I heard it at least 10 times. So, I went over to the mild porn section of the book center(we’ve got it all) and shouted IS THERE S BIG BILL BOB HERE? Guess what there was, and I told him to get his deaf ass to the auto center. I also found the nearest phone poll in the store I could find and cut a cord. It was probley the wrong cord, but I felt better.

To humor my self through this experience, I love to do orney things to people. Don’t lie, you do to. So, I usually go to the condom isle and get like 10 flavored or colored codom packages and distribute according to who will amuse me the most. Today, I found an 80 year old who left her cart unsuspecting. She got 3 packages. I saw a young youth with a basket in the fruit isle and he got 2. And a package of breast shields just because I was in a giving mood. It’s better than paying $7.50 for a movie that I will hate.

Letter of the Month to Joshua

Dear Joshua,

First of all, I’m sorry I’ve been grouchy this week. You’ve been sick and I’ve been insane. But your feeling better and now, so am I.

You have been in my life for 4.5 months now. I honestly can say my life started when you were born. I was given a fresh slate and I love it and hate it at the same time. I can’t explain that statement now, but when your older, I will try.

You have discovered your hands this month as well as learned to roll over. It’s exciting to see you learn a new world. It’s wonderful to know you can explore your world. I wonder often how you view your own world. If you feel safe. If you feel secure. If you like where you are. You laugh alot, so for now I’m going to assume yes.

I can honestly say that you are the light of my world. I know I will wake up the next day, not because you wake me up, but because I want to wake up for you. I want to see your blue eyes in the morning. I want to kiss your plumb cheeks and show you the world. I feel reborn because of your life. I feel emotions that I used to have in life, but had buried. I have hope again and that’s a gift you gave me. Intangible gifts that you give me everyday.

My promise to you this month is for another month of sanity. I promise to keep it together for you. I promise that I will seek new ways of glueing myself together. I promise to not be a fragile flower but a rock of fortitude. I  will be like an iceburg, letting all the crap melt off and keeping the essentials.

I love you. You are a wonderful blessing.

Mommy

Letter of the Month to Joshua

Dear Joshua,

First of all, I’m sorry I’ve been grouchy this week. You’ve been sick and I’ve been insane. But your feeling better and now, so am I.

You have been in my life for 4.5 months now. I honestly can say my life started when you were born. I was given a fresh slate and I love it and hate it at the same time. I can’t explain that statement now, but when your older, I will try.

You have discovered your hands this month as well as learned to roll over. It’s exciting to see you learn a new world. It’s wonderful to know you can explore your world. I wonder often how you view your own world. If you feel safe. If you feel secure. If you like where you are. You laugh alot, so for now I’m going to assume yes.

I can honestly say that you are the light of my world. I know I will wake up the next day, not because you wake me up, but because I want to wake up for you. I want to see your blue eyes in the morning. I want to kiss your plumb cheeks and show you the world. I feel reborn because of your life. I feel emotions that I used to have in life, but had buried. I have hope again and that’s a gift you gave me. Intangible gifts that you give me everyday.

My promise to you this month is for another month of sanity. I promise to keep it together for you. I promise that I will seek new ways of glueing myself together. I promise to not be a fragile flower but a rock of fortitude. I will be like an iceburg, letting all the crap melt off and keeping the essentials.

I love you. You are a wonderful blessing.

Mommy

Sleep Precious Demon Sleep

Well, my wonderful baby has a tiny cold, nothing to worry about physically, but enough to keep him grouchy. He’s also teething. So, for the past couple of days, he hasn’t know whether he wanted held, put down, to play or to veg out. And sleep hasn’t been on the menu. Example, last night I FINALLY got him to sleep about 1 am. After a couple of hours of fussiness. And he doesn’t cry. He fusses and whines. Which might be worse, I don’t know. Then at 4 am he decides he’s hungry which is great because I want him hydrated. I wake back up around 6 am and he’s wet through his diapers and clothes but he’s still sleeping. I decide to change him. I will never know if this was a good choice or not. He wakes up and not only doesn’t go back to sleep, doesn’t go back till about 10:30 am. Why am I recounting our sleep log? Because I’m so tired it’s the only thing on my mind. I look like hell, feel like hell and probley don’t smell like roses either. This is the first time in 4 months of single parenting that I wish I wasn’t. I wish I could roll over and say “your turn”. But nope. And I love him. That’s what my mantra this week has been, I love him. Over and over again. On a positive note, when he was asleep, I decided cheetos and a diet coke were in order. Then he cried. I’m sure you know where this is going……. He has cheetos staines on his sleeper from my hands. Can’t win. It’s funny to me and if any one said anything, I’d recount my day to them and ask what they would do differently.

I promised myself when I started a blog that it wouldn’t be all child all the time. And it won’t. But right now, I’m too tired to think of anything witty. It gets better right?

Inspection Check Lists

Snot- clear
Poop-green
Spit up- white and kinda globby
Spit-big bubbles

Yep, all of these in one day plus some. Day complete, now for a diet coke. I need a life.

Inspection Check Lists

Snot- clear
Poop-green
Spit up- white and kinda globby
Spit-big bubbles

Yep, all of these in one day plus some. Day complete, now for a diet coke. I need a life.