Recharge and Rejoice

I am known for not charging my batteries. My phone dies, my iPod dies, I forget to put gas in my car regularly. I have in my purse at all times a spare charger for my phone and have used it in the most unusual places. People who know me well just roll with the punches, because this is one of my personality quirks.

My relationship with Christ depends on my being plugged into the Bible. I have plunged in deep, I have pulled back hard depending on where my emotions lay. I have memorized verses, listened to audio versions before bed and gone to weekly Bible studies all in an effort to recharge the relationship. My many devices have battery meters on them with a warning telling me when to recharge. My relationship with Christ does not have this convenient feature.

I have attended churches and made fast friends and shallow acquaintanceship. I have stayed in attendance in the church till I unplugged my battery. It didn’t happen all at once. One Sunday here, missed Bible study there. But I am not like the mobile units I carry. I need recharging far more often than my many pocket devices. I realize I am very much unplugged from a very real source of power. I did this on my own. I did not watch my battery meter, I ignored my beeping of the alarm till finally one day I realized all I heard was silence.

God is faithful. We are not. We can not promise to ever be faithful because that is a promise we will break the very next minute. God is faithful and when we plug ourselves back into the outlet? Angels rejoice.
Luke 15:10 In the same way, I tell you, there is rejoicing in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner who repents.”

21st Century

“We didn’t invent the wheel of suffering”

That is a quote that I made online this weekend and I stand by it. Our century is very fortunate that we don’t have to see suffering on a daily basis such as women dying giving birth, people dying from infections and starvation. We are lucky. Just a hundred years ago these were every day occurrences. I feel so grateful that we don’t have these happen right in front of our eyes.

With that said, I don’t feel like my generation knows anything about what true suffering is. We haven’t tracked across an ocean not knowing if there was anything to be found. We haven’t packed up all our belongings and moved across the United States when there weren’t even boarders. We live a pretty comfortable life honestly.

I find it laughable that my generation has forgotten what even our recent for-fathers went through, death and disease on a daily basis. We truly are lucky.

Sometimes serious is too much

I had a conversation last night that made me think, which was the point of the conversation. Sometimes we can over think our positions, our rationals, our whatever we are holding on to till that is all we have left. Being carefree goes out the window.

In that spirit, Joshua and I are going on a road trip this weekend without a predetermined destination. We are going with a friend, and a camera. I did this stuff all the time in my 20′s. We aren’t going far because Joshua isn’t used to it yet, but damn is it time to start having fun again.

I’m not over thinking this trip or I will never get in the car.

Dating Adventures

I have found myself in my mid thirties single. Steering towards a midlife crisis, realizing life will never change till I make it change.

With this is mind, I had a date . I went out with a 22 year old this week end. A yummy yummy 22 who found me charming and witty. We had conversations about politics, dreams and ideals of being young. He was so yummy I wanted to use him as butter and syrup on my pancakes.

Do I see this as being a forever thing? Probably not. But I’m going to start chronicling my dating adventures in my little space here. Because life is too short to contain it and I have to find the woman I used to be who once went bungee jumping strapped to a guy I had just met 7 minutes earlier.

Happy Birthday to me. dumbass.pro is born :P

Thank @sachaqs for the ever subtle remember that I am indeed a dumb ass

Joshua at 4 and half

Sadness

When I was a young girl, maybe six, I loved being a girl. I wore dresses every single day, had pink everything and wore Bonnie Bell lip gloss all the time. I always had my hair done, didn’t play in dirt because I didn’t like to be dirty ever and had tea parties at the drop of a hat. I LOVED being a girl.

Puberty hit and while I didn’t enjoy all that detailed, I was pretty glad I didn’t have a penis and all the awkwardness that comes with that. I learned to embrace my curves, still did my hair all the time and graduated to Cover Girl lip gloss.

When I first gave birth, I realized being a woman was incredible. Nine months of being pregnant and then a child is presented to you. While I’m sure being a dad is awesome as well, I think we can all agree that feeling the child from the inside is different and unique.

But sometimes being a woman sucks. Sometimes we get pregnant and for whatever reason, that is taken away from us. We pee on a stick, crap ourselves silly and then start picking out names. We start planning for  the nursery, drinking ginger ale for morning sickness, planning for another college fund and hoping we get a child that likes to watch Food Network as much as we do. There is nothing we can do about this lose because mother nature has taken her course, and just like that, the moment is over. The morning sickness is gone, the nursery doesn’t need to be planned and life continues back on the merry path it was before.

Except sometimes a person realizes they would really like another baby. I never thought I wanted more children, until this month when my nursery was taken away from me. Now I can’t quit dreaming about babies and sleepness nights. Yet I realize being a woman is still wonderful, because we are allowed to change our minds, our dreams. We are allowed to take a different path in life we once dreamed out. We get to experience the beginning of life in our very own body and that is a gift I wouldn’t trade for all the penis envy in the world.

Cough Cough

I would like to find my voice again. The one where I write anything that comes to mind and put it out there.

I am starting today. Today I will say that I think Sara Palin is a bumbling idiot who shouldn’t be allowed in public to speak. People who blindly follow her, or any other public figure for that matter, scare me.

Sara Palin, the reason why I think beauty contestants should stick with “Wishing for world peace”.

EAVB_FOGGURAEYR

It is in the eyes

Getting over it

I have become emo at the age of 34.

This week I did something that is quite ordinary and was so necessary in my life that words will never explain. I bought a car. Not a extravagant car, just the basic. But with my life there is always  back story.  Almost two years ago I came home to Kansas a broken woman with nothing. A broken relationship, a broken heart and the clothes on my son’s back.  And if my daddy taught me anything in life, it is to pick up, start over again. Even with nothing.

I walked around town for longer than I care to admit and this isn’t a woe is me story, but I think there is something humbling about starting from scratch after a certain age.

And then I was given a gift. A little blue car I affectionately called Betty Lou Who. She was old, didn’t have music and was smaller than a tic tac. I loved her. I will always love her, because I didn’t have to haul groceries on one hand and kid on the other. I drove her for almost a year. She is priceless to me.

This week, Betty Lou starting showing her age. She started falling apart. Ok, she had been falling apart and my eyes just opened up to it, but this week actually got worse and I was afraid she would break down with Joshua in it. I have been incredibly blessed and was able to buy a different car.

But I wanted to keep Betty Lou. My fiance, Lloyd, told me no and I called the salvage yard.  They said they would crush her.  I cried.  Over an old, crappy, unreliable car.  I am now emo.

Sometimes you have to build up from the bottom to see what really matters and to me, the fact that I didn’t buy a brand new car doesn’t matter to me anymore.